Quitting My Career : Part 3
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The months have flown by and it's hard to believe we're so far into 2021. I had planned to have this post written in June of 2020, one month after quitting. Thinking of that now makes me laugh. I was so naive to think I'd have most things figured out by then! I had quit my career and had planned to tie it all up with a beautiful ribbon of sorts (a blog post on a new website) and move on with my life. It turns out that it wasn't so simple.
Here at the beginning of the third and final installment of this blog post collection, I feel really happy—and relieved. I struggled with writing the last two posts! Knowing that I'm close to finishing is giving me a little boost if not a sense of accomplishment. This was a bigger undertaking than I expected, but I'm really proud of myself and I love that I will have these words to look back on in the future.
welcome to the upside down
Not a stranger to the show Stranger Things, the year of 2020 truly felt like the Upside Down. At the beginning of lockdown, I really did feel like I was in the Twilight Zone. Toilet paper, sanitizer, disinfectants, and Eggo waffles (Eleven’s favorite) were flying off the shelves and everyone was required to wear a mask.
Speaking of which, I was pleased to don my newest Etsy find—a mask that featured the Stranger Things logo. I thought it was a fun and clever way to show off our intrigue with the show and also be a silent way to say, "hey, life is strange these days". Unfortunately, I only got weird stares in public and I think my husband and the cashier guy at Hobby Lobby (fellow fans and both impatiently waiting for season 4) were the only ones who could appreciate such a mask.
With the mask mandates in place, it hadn’t been hard to notice everyone's strong opinions on the matter as I finished out my contract. As hard as it was to make my decision to quit by the end of May, I was honestly thankful for the fact that I no longer had to work under the new rules. To this day, continuing to navigate all of that in the salon is not something I’m missing! Besides, with everyone required to wear a mask for the duration of their appointment, it really was a nuisance to work around.
Back on the home front, now that a lot of people were finding they could work from home, my husband was able to do do the same. While it may have driven a lot of other people crazy to have their spouse in such close proximity, we actually loved it! However, that's not to say that I don't love my alone time! Trust me, I'm very happy when he decides to go into the office here and there! I didn't NEED my husband to be at home with me, but in this very new chapter of time, I was thankful the Lord had provided his company—and we may have made Dalgona coffee a few times too many!
The lockdown had made it clear that I needed to reset my priorities and implementing a new routine was underway. Along with learning to take better care of myself in the simplest of ways, I realized I needed to prioritize more of my health and set a few doctor appointments as well. I'm in good health these days, but my doctor appointments revealed that there were a few issues that needed to be addressed. I was very grateful for such a kind and thorough doctor, but these appointments and procedures were continuing to snowball into 2021 and were definitely not part of my plan—as much of an unknown plan as that was! Along with my own physical care, the rest of 2020 held many opportunities to physically care for others, family and friends alike, and it became a year that required a lot of reframing my mindset in regards to many things including expectations, intentionality, and relationships.
what do you do?
While I knew that my identity (and even my space of identity) was in the LORD alone, it was a daily battle to remind myself of that as I was also grappling with losing my work space that had spanned years. I hadn't realized just how much my identity was wrapped up in my career and it was harder than I thought to remove the label of who I had been to so many others. I've said it before, but sticking something out to keep your pride and identity intact is suffocating and exhausting. There are so many factors that go into being a hairstylist, and when your identity is so wrapped up in what you do and how you're needed, it can feel like a lonely and humbling grieving process when that season is over,
A few times throughout the year, I would hear from clients who genuinely asked how I was doing and some who wondered if I was done taking some time off! I felt missed both as a friend and as a hairstylist and that made my heart both happy and sad at the same time. I was honored that they would continue to think so highly of me and the services I had given to them over the years. Unfortunately, they're kind words and sometimes anxious messages also tempted my pride and my desire to provide for them. It was tempting to jump back into a comfortable space where I was known, gather them all together, and perform yet again. I knew I could but I knew I shouldn't. So I didn’t.
Just as my clients were curious and complimentary, others who were meeting me for the first time were just as curious and would ask the scary question of “what do you do?”. I appreciated anyone's genuine curiosity, but up until the summer of 2021, I would seize up at their simple question. Officially on the other side of quitting, familiar feelings with anxious thoughts attached would start to surface. I hated that society always had to associate your identity and assume your financial status with "what you do". Succumbing to the pressure, and still searching for direction, I always hoped my answer of "painting and Poshmark" measured up enough for those asking.
Don't get me wrong—Poshmark is a fun hobby and one that I will continue, but it should remain just that : a hobby that happens to sometimes make money. My joy in it had waned as I had become too focused on using it as my financially productive answer that was best for society to hear. I wasn’t resting well and allowing my husband enough of an opportunity to provide as he wanted. While it was true that it was a way to continue to keep my hands busy, and while I will always love secondhand items, my excitement was lacking as it wasn't a way to be creative in the way that I really desired.
my little nook of the internet
A few months prior, my best friend had been so sweet to offer to build me my own website. My own little corner of the internet, she called it. She was so generous and willing to give of her time, knowledge, and professional efforts! As lockdown began, she sent me a message about an online workshop to build your own website. We were both intrigued and figured it was great information to know in the event I would want to change or tweak something myself once my website was established. Excited for each day’s online class, I furiously took notes and my excitement grew at having the opportunity to create a space for myself. My friend was so understanding and encouraging of me wanting to take on the task myself and I got to work. Not completed in five days like the workshop encouraged (they didn’t know me and my slow nature), it was a several month long project of fine tuning and tweaking (something I've learned that you will always do with a website), but I was grateful to have a task. It was a new space to inhabit and a creative distraction as I continued feeling stuck in an unknown season that didn't feel like me and didn't feel like "home". Launching my website in February of 2021, on the birthday of one of my favorite writers (Laura Ingalls Wilder), I was so excited to have created a quiet yet vibrant space. As a lifelong creative, have one entire space that could collectively house ALL of my creative outlets with room to grow them in the future brought me a lot of joy and it was a space that was starting to feel like home.
The key word was grow. I'd like to say that I jumped right into painting on my first day not-on-the-job, but I hadn't. During a time where that very thing should've been so easy and everyone else in the world was dabbling in their newfound creative side, it was so much harder than I thought it would be. I was still intrigued by Kyra and her artistry, but it felt distant and I was having such a difficult time sorting out my creativity. Designing my website had been exciting and had taken a lot of time, but now that it was over, it was time to add more to it. I really wanted to paint, but I lacked the motivation to do so and it took me until the earlier part of 2021 to realize why.
gifted creativity
For a little over 15 years, I was a creative who had conducted my business around other creatives, all of us having clientele who trusted us. It's always best to do a job well done, maintain a good reputation, and allow others the opportunity to trust you in caring for them—whatever the career path. In doing that, I was used to giving and receiving compliments to and from both clients and stylists—even the unspoken ones. A nod of approval, a point and smile with a thumbs up from across the way, or a simple run of a client's hand through freshly cut and styled hair told me everything and made my heart swell, not only with pride, but with happiness that they obviously loved my work! All of our creativity was constantly on display, and as I mentioned in my previous post—having a clientele who were my array of canvases, my creations came with standards and expectations that must always be met (ultimately by others), and I HAD to care about and always needed to know what everyone thought of my creative work for 15 years!
Fast forward to a season where I was free to create anything I wanted for myself and in the way that I wanted. That should be exciting! Unfortunately, my hesitancy was getting the best of me and I realized that it had been an entire career's worth of standards, expectations, and affirmation that was now creating this very unfamiliar headspace. Wanting to delve into a new creative avenue of painting, I desired it to be more than a hobby which held more weight in this season of time and I couldn’t help but compare my efforts and my journey to other creatives around me. My new journey was feeling SO slow and incredibly unproductive as I realized I was missing affirmation for this new creative work and wanting to be known in this new season. I've never seen myself as someone who needs to brag, seek out attention, or NEEDS compliments. While I’m aware that some things will bring joy to others, a lot of what I create for myself, do, or share is for my own personal enjoyment and meticulous documentation. However, I couldn't deny that I had gotten very used to compliments within the beauty industry as they became common place between everyone. They weren't just nice and encouraging to hear, but they were a way to be noticed—and known. With watercolor paper in front of me and a paint brushed poised for too long, I felt extremely unseen, unknown, and clueless.
Sitting at our kitchen table, pondering—not painting, I felt the Lord speak again to my heart. In the midst of my thoughts, He reminded me that HE was the Creator Who had gifted me any creativity in the first place. HE would always be the first to know of and see anything that I ever created, and with my own skill set that was unique to me, anything created was because of Him. Were He and His gifts enough if no one else ever saw anything I ever produced?
be still and know
I have to say that it took me until this spring of 2021 to fully process and honestly grieve my decision. I think I had let myself become so distracted—all very valid reasons as to why, but distracted just the same. With my husband working from home (something we both were enjoying), it had been so helpful for me to adjust to such a new season, but I realized it had kept me from having much alone time.
On a Saturday morning, I had a solid few hours to myself. I sat in my living room with my Bible and a notebook. Honestly, I'm not great at journaling and reading Scripture at the same time but I'd like to be better and this was an opportunity to try. I had spent time with the Lord over the last year, but to study the Bible or to spend time in prayer for others—not to address my feelings and grieve. I first opened my Spotify and chose Kari Jobe's newest album. I remember the first time I had seen her in concert. Using the word concert seems ridiculous as she had created a beautiful and intimate worship experience with such a large audience. You could also tell she approached that opportunity with such humility as she worshiped the Lord on stage herself. Kari and her husband's song "The Blessing" is a very popular song from the album, but I started at the beginning, wanting to listen all the way through. For the next two hours, the songs washed over me and I really grieved for the first time since quitting. It had been so much harder than I thought. He was right there in this worship experience I was having on the floor of my living room. While thankful for the opportunity to make the hard decision to quit my career, my heart was broken, I was still sad, and I felt very lost. The lyrics spoke of returning to the Lord, resting in Him, waiting for Him to speak, and His unwavering character. Reiterations spoke directly to my heart of being seen, known, and loved, having not missed an appointment with Him, and breaking out of disappointment and hopelessness. Sitting under waves of truth was starting to piece my heart back together.
Reaching for my Bible, I randomly opened it to Psalm 71. I read the entire chapter but my eyes kept going back to verse three.
“Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually; you have given the commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress.”
I remember looking up in that moment and seeing the sign I had purchased from Etsy for my salon suite, now hanging across the room from where I was sitting. A purposeful hang to catch your eye every day, I reread the definition of what "NEST" (n) meant :
“a snug, comfortable, or cozy residence or situation ; a retreat, or place of habitual resort”
Although a long season was over, and what a good run it had been, the LORD was still forever the place I could habitually resort. As much as my home was my cutely eclectic safe haven and its own nest, and as much as I tried to create such a space over the years for my clients, I was reminded that I will always find my rest from all things in the Lord Who will forever be my home—in and out of every wonderful, sad, hard, creative, and confusing season. I was so deeply reminded of my identity and my home (my space of identity) in Him and my heart felt lighter with the only affirmation I would ever need. I would still need time, but I was safe to stay, rest, grieve, and heal as needed.
adventure is out there!
The world is still wild, and while 2021 has kept Craig and I very busy, I'm thankful that I can look back and see at least a little bit of growth since quitting. It may be small, but it's there and continuing to grow. Our first flower garden could attest to the same—planted in 2020, in the soil of our own seasons, we've been growing together.
These posts encompass so many thoughts and feelings that speak of a journey that has been a very huge part of my life. Detaching from a 15 year work routine and identity, I was no longer needed in the same ways. Busy days filled with multiple interactions dropped to interacting with one person a day (even if he is a pretty amazing one), and I went from texting everyone daily to a very silent phone on most days. Honestly, I'm still working through my mindset in regards to having such a large clientele and working through how realistic it is to maintain so many of those relationships outside of the salon. It felt and still feels really overwhelming. There are a lot of things that I don't miss about being a hairstylist, but I DO miss my clients. I know it well that you can love what you do and still feel the effects of burnout. I loved my job and what it meant and looked like to serve others and I loved the slow and meticulous process I had created to ensure the happiness of others. It was natural and inevitable to always feel such a responsibility to and for everyone. I obviously didn't ever want to disappoint, and with such little time in the last days, I felt such pressure to find others with availability that I could trust to handle all of my clientele and their needs. Shifting everyone into yet another new season, but one without me, was so hard.
thank you doesn't feel like enough
To each and every one of my clients, thank you for allowing me so many opportunities to take care of you. It really was an honor and a huge privilege every time. I miss so many things about our time together! You yourselves took care of me in multiple ways and I will always treasure the hugs, smiles, and encouragement I received! For all the times I may have showered you with the sink hose, thank you for being so gracious (and for laughing along). On a more serious note, thank you for trusting me and loving me as I made decisions for all of us throughout the seasons. I miss you! Please know that I have thought of all you SO very often.
As adventurous as I was to quit my career and as adventurous as I had quickly intended to be following such a decision, it took me quite awhile to learn that sometimes adventure requires a lot more rest and patience than expected. It requires grieving what was and listening to the whispers and reminders of where true identity lays. It’s not always a continually bold and colorful season of time yet an adventure just the same. And yes—as much as it requires Jesus, it may also still require Chipotle pickups—just no longer at 10pm at night! I’m reaching the end of this chapter, and there will always be more words to write, but for now—while there continues to be more growing to do, I'm proud of my growth thus far and for writing it down, all in due season.
With this collection of posts coming to the end, and without divulging too many details until next week, I’m excited to say that I’m embarking on a new adventure, a new chapter. Let's just say it was there all along. I've put my creativity to work and I've discovered a little something that really makes me smile a lot. Stay tuned to my Instagram to find out!
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”
With a new beginning ahead, I am off to celebrate with an caramel apple pie sundae (with extra caramel),